In human life, the very first sense is the conception anxiety before the fetus is formulated, and the very last sense is the graveyard odor after the life is over. This means, before the final corpus fragrance can say anything, the initial conception sense would broadcast and forecast:

• “Having no idea how a baby is made of, made with, made from, made by and made for?”
• “Clueless to how a real love-making interaction would actualize?”
• “Don’t know what is happening inside the mom’s belly?”,
• “Not sure how the fetus would turn out to be?”
•  “Never guess how the womb-body would live and behave in actual physical body?”

This very conception anxiety is a mixture of anxious parental feelings, their hidden anxiety from their ancestrally subtle but vital invested anxiety into a virtuous body with its makeovers, and the incarnating spirit’s curious, anxious and clueless state to which specific gender and bloodline will be granted.

Let us start with these.

• Do you have any clue before your 1^st time activity as a 1^st timer?
• Can you anticipate how a sacred work teams with a secretive maker?
• Can you differentiate individual lunch-making-like making-love activity from the magic unpredictable love-making  cosmosality?
• Do you know anything about gender-making reality before a materialized physical gender can sense, differ and characterize from what its opposite gender would?
• Can you know the opposite gender before this opposite gender would mess with your agenda? 
• Can you guess how an opposite gender would oppose any opposite thing to you?
• How do you know that your gender is similar to the same gender but opposite to the opposite one?

When two opposites meet and pose with two similarities, there will be existing multiple anxiety!

As such, this very first conceivable anxious conception sense invites, interacts, interferes and inter-connects all human senses, crossing through generational trails, and tossing around animalistic nails.

From the moment of this conception on, till your body functions on its own after birth, your mother will be anxious about how normal your body and its utilities can be. She will speculate forever how your body will turn out to be. She is so suspicious of any strange phenotype might estrange yours makeover. She is too fearful for any abnormality might wrap and target your growth. She is so afraid about anything that can retard your beautiful start-ups.

Your father might be anxious too! He will be anxious about how you can look, think and behave like him,how you are totally relating to his personal manner and affairs, and 100% resembling his traits. He is anxious whether or not you would truly devote yourself to refresh his dream, regenerate his wish, reinvent his hope, remake his already worked for but disappeared fame, and regain his forever vanished long-gong fortune.  He is anxious about how your job would erase his mistakes, irradiate his ancestral misfortunes!

The deceased ancestors are anxious equally, and mostly. They are anxious to which exact virtuous spaces they would bring their blessings and curses in, so that those virtuous spaces can materialize in your real body, actualize in your real life, metabolize in your real duality.  They are truly anxious to wherever the exact cellar sites, such as hemispheric cells, cardiac cells and stem cells, can host their unfinished business. They are more anxious about whichever precise inferred and decisive ultralight acupoints (light-love points) they can reply on to dam and clam, jam and slam their suppressed, depressed, repressed unforgettable unreported untold un-repent-able memories inside your sub-cellular membranes. They are totally anxious about how can you remember everything they did and lived, defended and believed, were scarred by and scared of!

Inside this anxious factory, its facility manufactures each familiar mater and every family remember-related matters, till the weight of the fetus pushed its head down upon the mouth of birthing canal that is being pushed by the mother’s heart-charged and emotion-enlarged whoosh, swoosh sound bite, gushed by the meat-grinder or scull-binder, whooshed by the umbilical charged inertia, and pulled to the ground, along with blood and water, by the earth’s gravity, her grave city.

Before the due day, 37 weeks or so of its laborious work took the 7-lights into 7-senses, yet, absent from the drum telling drama in your front, the rum spelling trauma behind, and gum veiling anxious karma in your middle.

As the skull  celebrated its head-down land, the arches of the fetus’s feet swam through the dammed and damped ramification, waiting to demonstrate towards parents and health care-facilitators how its eyes would sense the light, its ears respond the sound, its nose sniffs the air, its fingers grab and grasp, its legs turn or rotate, its urethral track dispels and anal hole expels.

When all these activities are being recognized as normal, other deep layers of human normality, nobility and morality would have a chance to surface through their racial cases; and if not, total denial and rejection take place and this infant will be identified or codified as something else, such ADD or ADHD.

Fetal is fatal, as natal anxiety results in naval brutality. Normal means noble, as normality thrives on cruel but fertile morality.

The so-called noble man’s sense would take years, even a lifetime, to upgrade from what is average and normal into what can be worshiped as noble, like an English Noble Man, or a Nobel Prize Winner. In this noble state, all physically based animal senses and emotionally laced organic sensitivities must have been re-captured, re-factorized to the re-fractional fractal portals, where only the best survival fetal sense can make sense of what is really going on inside the gut from what has been wooden-ed from woolly hair, and what can be schooled as cool as a stool would sit with its cruelly clue.

Opposite to Nobel Prize is ancestral price, and opposite to Noble Sense is the primal sense.

To see the ancestral price-tag and zoom into primal sense, only a stoned, bestowed and attuned being can be polished into a statue-like state, so that prime time that is making sense along prime meridian can screen primal sense.

To make a deal with ancestral price-tag, only The So-called Subconscious as real primal sense will be in the virtuous room. To deal with primal sense, only virtuous roomed space can deal with subcontracts that are already teamed before an animal can sense.

The primal sense now makes sense with primitive senses such as plants’ sense, worms’ sense, fish’s sense, fungus’s sense, and blue green algae’s sense, till light senses what love can make sense of each cosmic matter inside every organic being.

Light-year-ahead seems far away; while unconditional love is being wrapped and capped deep inside. Before you can really deal with light-and-love matters, your blood-lined and gene-coded ancestral deeds and memories are much more pervasive and aggressive than anything your can dream and plan. And before you can truly take care of your personal matter, family matters and familiar manners are already there: to display for you, express as yours, and rule your freedom.

All these are so because your spirit was agreed so: agree to enter conception party; by making agreements with parental and ancestral conception anxieties.

Are You Agree?

On April 22^nd, 2009, I woke up as all a normal morning I used to over 46 years, released the fogy misty morning dew (urine), sat by the dining table and had a cup of coffee.  Suddenly, out of no-where, a raw and subtle sensation was nailing through and swirling inside my gut. It was so sudden, deep, strong and overwhelming that my normal sensory reaction told me that “something dangerous was about to happen.”

A desperate moment was calling my all-I-can-do attention. A flash of several people’s images and faces, which were karmic or ancestral, flesh-bonded or soul-wired, and genetically coded inside my gut memory utility, ushered my inner eye, gushed upon my gut-mind, and slashed and splashed into inter-organic feeling. Should I escape or denial, from what, to where and how, never and forever?!

My mind was dizzy, heart racing, gut exploding and body numbing. With all the mighty power exercised and prepared for years, I was able to allow my spiritual mind comb this sensation down at its manageable state, till womb sensation appeared from the comb-wool, calm-down tool to where the crown of my-going-to-be-tomb: the landing skull.

Seeing this my conception party, I am feeling now, the rawest of raw feelings, beyond danger and unknown, above the team of all senses can bear. Father does not know how his sperm would travel. Mother has no clue how the zygote will be formed inside her egg. And incarnating spirit cannot figure out what kind of body, or earthly travelling vehicle, or animistic organism, would be factoried, assigned and granted.

As the three –omb words – comb, womb and tomb – came together and made sense for one another, a distinctive phrase “conception anxiety” was dialing, alarming, farming and distilling inside my mind’s heart.

Now, what? As the septic Celtic cultic reception takes each spirit into the sperm-bulling, egg-yoking womb, senses such as light sense, plus heat sense, inception sense and conception sense would sense how this fetal body would go through in 10 month or 40 weeks long placenta-roomed womb: this birth-declaring and head-descending organic tomb.

Three charges, positive, negative and neutral, garaged and enlarged the one and single zygote, that of zigzag goat-teeth, into a compound, where all the collectable sensations send the nation of a body and kingdom of its mind into an organic sensible facility.

Due to this conception anxiety, your body and its sensory utilities will be downloaded, wired and chipped with all those anxious sub-cellular and super-sonic, mega-hydraulic and para-psychotic phenomenal genotypes. Once they are in function with your sensory and cognitive behaviors, they become visible phenotypes and relatable personality types.

For your entire life, you will be anxious in front of those attractive, exciting, beautiful and amazing human gendered beings. You will be anxious about either saving and investing money or spending and paying money. You will be anxious about taking exams, going for an appointment, visiting a doctor, seeing a policeman, witnessing a dangerous scene, standing in front of crowds, speaking your true feeling and conviction, declaring your needed physical and astral spaces, managing your times, caring for the loved ones, dealing with your hostile environment, standing face-to-face with your enemies, being locked inside your hellish states.

You will be anxious about height or mass, open or congested space, contended or contentious views, luscious or conscious activities, hide-or-flight scenarios, sick or silly atmospheres, aroused or suppressed chemistries, this or that ideas, here and nowhere ordeals.

Oh, my dear, this anxious conception! Oh, my near to the dear, this conception anxiety??? Oh, my ear hearing dear, JUST ANXIOUS!!!

You will be anxious about nothing and everything!!!!

Many bird clans, like chicken and duck,  are born out of egg-shells; while mammals, like human and horse, are born out of placentas.  In that sense, birds’ egg-shells are crispy placentas, while mammals’ placentas are meaty shells.

As you know,  chicks or newborn baby birds would use their bills to cash them out of their own egg-shell-houses, while for us human fetus, someone has to cut umbilical cord in order to separate our body from our organic meaty shell called placenta.

In that sense, a bird’s egg is already ready in the process of being conceived or hatched, with no other ritual preparation needed; while a human egg must open a part-hole around its watery skin for the head of a sperm to head in, merge and become one with egg as scientists called zygote. After the sperm materializes as the skull and spine, while egg the rest of body.

Before a bird goes through its hatchling, nestling, and fledgling process as real chick or infant bird,  its bill that has grown along its body inside the shell becomes matured and stronger enough to serve as the tip of a knife or the head of a nail to piece a hole through its shell-like-wall so as to declare its self independent birthing process.  We call this bill-pocked-shell in us a placenta:  either the meaty house inside our mom’s belly during our gestation period, or 紫河车 zi he che or purple river wagon as Chinese names it.

Contrary to chick’s bill power, we are helpless in our birthing process. We can’t do what a chick would!  Our mouth doesn’t have a sharp bill, only two pieces of jawbone to grow 32 teeth years after birth. Somebody outside our womb has to cut the umbilical off. This is the final step of our uselessness as an organism among homo sapiens.

Afterward, we cannot fly physically, anyway, anyhow, anywhere!

To know the truth, upon age of 43, through a lucid dream, I was able to know why and how I was conceived into this body, through this parental union, for this bloodline and its last name, upon this very divine and unchangeable conception.  It was through this lucid dreaming state of retrospection, recall or revisit that made me know that:

The shell of a bird’s egg-shell-wall resembles initially in human that parental love-making posture. When this posture dried up and faded away, there is that invisible egg-shell-wall wrapping inside our unconscious realm, causing us to search for a mate who is free from this egg-shelled wall, so we can achieve freedom.  Further, this momentarily finalized posture defines overall: our physical posture, how we engage union with the loved one down the road, and personality outlook.

Through this lucid dream, what happened to my conception became as clear as an open book, a specific scene of a movie production. I saw everything to which how I was conceived, or in another word, how my body was factorized; meaning, how my father’s sperm and his physical pose merged and united as one with my mother’s pose and one of her eggs on the Right Fallopian Tube.

It was upon this moment, I am free physically and sexually from my own very egg shelled and fossilized wall.  In this moment of awakened understanding, I was able to let-go of this my conception posture, and in turn, I am physically free as a male gender, and sexually free from the byproduct of my parental union.  Upon this freedom, I realized that this my parental egg-hatching process equals to nothing, but a hidden eggshell.

Before, this byproduct has been for many years my longing for the divine femininity, and how I would equally and eagerly be ready to free myself from physical and emotional and psychological urge and need for the opposite physical gender.

Have you recalled your conception party, conception process and conceived eggshell?

Have you seen the very nature your energetic and organic eggshell?

Are you able to poke like a chick’s bill your own restrained and egg-shelled womb upon your birthing moment?

Are you ready to be totally free, as a chick eagle ready to fly???!!!