Category Archives: 15 x 15

Not In, Never Begin


In or Inn

We have to be in it in order to begin a thing, any.

First, we have to be in life in order to live a life, Right? If we are not alive, where is the life to live and how to live a life to believe? But to be alive, our soul has to borrow a specific bloodline in order to make our etheric soul alive in flesh, right? So, we have to be in a womb in order to have a fetal life. And to be in a womb is to borrow mother’s blood and water, breath and fire, which is called together a bloodline.

Prior mother’s bloodline, father’s white-heading sperm must be out of his body and immediately in the mother’s body, so that mother’s un-bled egg cannot develop into bloody menstrual outlet, but can make this in-dwelling white sperm a zygote  (thy goat).

And before there is a physical zygote, both parents must be in love, making fertile love. In order to be attracted to one another, to be in love, and passionately and deathlessly making love together, there has to be this human virtuous genotype already made inside their body before their sperms and eggs matured upon pubic stage.

Before they were alive, their two parents, four grandparents and eight great grandparents must have been in their real life, real life journey, to continue their bloodlines by reducing two bloodlines into one zygote, where one would be dominant, the other silently violent.

This means that before our zygotic body was formed, 8 different bloodlines had already been in, not in Holiday Inn, but in Collective Individual Inns (cellular nano inn). Those 8 Collective individual Inns are Eight forms of cosmic spheres and genetic patterns. With those spherical reality, we are In the Universe; and with those genetic reality, we are In human body.

Not having an In as a space, nothing can begin. This is what the title means: Not In, Never Begin.

Be the Gin, or Beg In

The English word for begin can be separated organically into either be (that of) gin or (to) beg in.  Be that of Gin is to make Gin and Tonic, while to Beg In is heavy, but real. If we don’t beg, we would never need any leg. Without a leg, the end stuff like legend would talk to delegacy material like legacy.

To beg in, is to truly begin; while “I beg your pardon” is “I never heard what you said, or where you are standing.”

In this sense, to beg in is to be in this bloodline, with this body, for this infantile in the life stuff.

If you don’t beg, your parent might never be together, especially if you are the single child, as they might be in another different relationship.

Begin vs Start

So, to begin a thing, or anything is to beg in. The word begin is different from its relative word start, which means to stand for a star, or stood on an art. To start something is more of a mental thing, but to begin a thing, something physically has to be happening. To start is to stand yourself for an art, to be startling with something that will be the start-ups, or something happens only mentally or imaginatively; while to begin is to beg inside something, such as inside a house, inside a company, inside an organization, inside an agreement.

Separation Anxiety

After the birthing process completes, conception anxiety turns into separation anxiety which in turn is opposite to anxieties such as invitation anxiety, welcome anxiety, greeting anxiety, union anxiety, togetherness anxiety, marriage anxiety, oneness anxiety.

We don’t like to be together so long, to connect so much, to relate so well, to party so amazingly cool!!!

To connect and be a part of someone, there must be a giving up, a sacrifice, a humble state, a vulnerable scale. To be a part of me, that part of Me must be as open, real and complete as the same part in You.

In order to be apart from something, such as a team, an origination, you must be ready and willing in both ways, such as being open and vulnerable, knowingly how to reserve and preserve, serve ans reserve, must be adaptable in adjustable and adjudicative process and still available afterward.

Equally we don’t like to be separated so often, and being segregated forever! We love to be part of someone, a part of all, a part of whole. We want to be seen, stay connected,  being invited and acknowledged all the time. We hate rejection and abandonment, aside from this very separation!

To be separated, a part of us will be cut off, divided, distanced, removed, and become void.  It is as if we have to let go part of us, as if we bit farewell, as if we will never see each other again, as if we will lose one another forever!

Has the heaven landed on earth? Does the noon see the midnight? Will good be kind to bad? Is right opposite from wrong? Can masculinity be separative from that of femininity? Is the left eye viewing the world separately from its right partner?  Does an object care about your right mind’s view being separatedly from your left mind’s review?

But to separate, we have to the ball, as if we are in control! We have the power and tool to cut, divide, alienate and segregate. We enjoy separating one person from the team, dividing their attention by cutting their supplies off their belongings.

Lean on or cling to! Len on over extend forth!  Anxious tactics away from anxiety attacks!

Honestly, togetherness as solid, comfortable, essential, intimate and long-term oneness, such as season-round and life-long contract, agreement, membership, marriage, origination, union and party, is not easy. Why?

How long did we wait for the right parents to excite, attract, merge, engage and marry together as one couple, one team and one union for our very conception to take place? How long had they divinely been together as one and complete, united and intimate union, prior the moment of our physical conception?  How long did it take for that very single sperm and egg to join together as one zygote? How long did this one minute cellular ball of zygote sustain itself before its split-second division took place? How long did the umbilical cord link fetus to placenta? Is a breath longer than a life?

Further, how long has light been together with love, time been one with space,  universe been spacious with cosmos, a day been united with night? …?

The truth is: once we breathe on our own, our body separates itself and forever from our womb, and entire gestation period is over.

The dialogue below is to me the root cause of separation anxiety, though unbeknownst to us at the moment.

“Why did you cut me off from my womb?” our soul might scream! 

“I had to separate your body from your placenta so you can breathe on your own!” answered by midwife. 


Since then, “Are we free, independent, and sovereign!?”  Are we free from mom and her maker of our body? Are we free from light and air, milk and water, food and safety? Are we free family and society? Are we free from duality such as coming and going, greeting and departing, welcome and goodbye, union and dissolution, and connection and separation.  Are we divided, separated, rejected, disconnected and abandoned?  Or are we connected, related, secured, independent and sovereign?

Professional term Separation Anxiety works together with its opposition, which is Reactive Attachment Disorder R. A. D..  Honestly to me, it is sick to see the word “separation” here. Why?  You have the power to cut, divide and separate from one part from another, one of the pair from the other; but you are scared and extremely vulnerable to totally open yourself up and stay in that virtuously vulnerable volunteering position.

It is easy to blamelessly use the word separation because we didn’t separate our body from our womb; we didn’t separate our thought from our feeling, our action from our reaction, our reason from our excuse, our belief from our doubt.  Somebody did it, the higher power did it, Nature did, God did it!

To separate a whole thing apart, distance in between afterward means anything, and resistance from which means all. We resist on being connected and separated at same time, being together and apart from one another at the same state, being don’t feel any and distant at same manner, being sweet and cold at same emotional nature, being kind and cruel at same mindset.

It is the two ends of the sameness that separate; it is the dual manners that separate the same matter; it is the two different eyes that cut the same scenery into two different views.

Equally, if there is nothing to cut, there can be nothing to separate; if there is nothing to be divided, separation never take place!

If you experience a Separation Anxiety, what is the opposite anxiety that causes you to experience your separation anxiety?  If you have a Separation Anxiety attack, what is your attachment that attracts this attack? If you want to understand and be free from the history of your Separation Anxiety, what can else the specific kind of anxiety you use in order to cut and divide your separation anxiety, so you would never have it no more, be totally free?

Tell me, teach me! Remind me, acknowledge me!

Conception Anxiety – Part II

In human life, the very first sense is the conception anxiety before the fetus is formulated, and the very last sense is the graveyard odor after the life is over. This means, before the final corpus fragrance can say anything, the initial conception sense would broadcast and forecast:

  • “Having no idea how a baby is made of, made with, made from, made by and made for?”
  • “Clueless to how a real love-making interaction would actualize?”
  • “Don’t know what is happening inside the mom’s belly?”,
  • “Not sure how the fetus would turn out to be?”
  •  “Never guess how the womb-body would live and behave in actual physical body?”

This very conception anxiety is a mixture of anxious parental feelings, their hidden anxiety from their ancestrally subtle but vital invested anxiety into a virtuous body with its makeovers, and the incarnating spirit’s curious, anxious and clueless state to which specific gender and bloodline will be granted.

Let us start with these.

  • Do you have any clue before your 1st time activity as a 1st timer?
  • Can you anticipate how a sacred work teams with a secretive maker?
  • Can you differentiate individual lunch-making-like making-love activity from the magic unpredictable love-making  cosmosality?
  • Do you know anything about gender-making reality before a materialized physical gender can sense, differ and characterize from what its opposite gender would?
  • Can you know the opposite gender before this opposite gender would mess with your agenda? 
  • Can you guess how an opposite gender would oppose any opposite thing to you?
  • How do you know that your gender is similar to the same gender but opposite to the opposite one?

When two opposites meet and pose with two similarities, there will be existing multiple anxiety!

As such, this very first conceivable anxious conception sense invites, interacts, interferes and inter-connects all human senses, crossing through generational trails, and tossing around animalistic nails.

From the moment of this conception on, till your body functions on its own after birth, your mother will be anxious about how normal your body and its utilities can be. She will speculate forever how your body will turn out to be. She is so suspicious of any strange phenotype might estrange yours makeover. She is too fearful for any abnormality might wrap and target your growth. She is so afraid about anything that can retard your beautiful start-ups.

Your father might be anxious too! He will be anxious about how you can look, think and behave like him,how you are totally relating to his personal manner and affairs, and 100% resembling his traits. He is anxious whether or not you would truly devote yourself to refresh his dream, regenerate his wish, reinvent his hope, remake his already worked for but disappeared fame, and regain his forever vanished long-gong fortune.  He is anxious about how your job would erase his mistakes, irradiate his ancestral misfortunes!

The deceased ancestors are anxious equally, and mostly. They are anxious to which exact virtuous spaces they would bring their blessings and curses in, so that those virtuous spaces can materialize in your real body, actualize in your real life, metabolize in your real duality.  They are truly anxious to wherever the exact cellar sites, such as hemispheric cells, cardiac cells and stem cells, can host their unfinished business. They are more anxious about whichever precise inferred and decisive ultralight acupoints (light-love points) they can reply on to dam and clam, jam and slam their suppressed, depressed, repressed unforgettable unreported untold un-repent-able memories inside your sub-cellular membranes. They are totally anxious about how can you remember everything they did and lived, defended and believed, were scarred by and scared of!

Inside this anxious factory, its facility manufactures each familiar mater and every family remember-related matters, till the weight of the fetus pushed its head down upon the mouth of birthing canal that is being pushed by the mother’s heart-charged and emotion-enlarged whoosh, swoosh sound bite, gushed by the meat-grinder or scull-binder, whooshed by the umbilical charged inertia, and pulled to the ground, along with blood and water, by the earth’s gravity, her grave city.

Before the due day, 37 weeks or so of its laborious work took the 7-lights into 7-senses, yet, absent from the drum telling drama in your front, the rum spelling trauma behind, and gum veiling anxious karma in your middle.

As the skull  celebrated its head-down land, the arches of the fetus’s feet swam through the dammed and damped ramification, waiting to demonstrate towards parents and health care-facilitators how its eyes would sense the light, its ears respond the sound, its nose sniffs the air, its fingers grab and grasp, its legs turn or rotate, its urethral track dispels and anal hole expels.

When all these activities are being recognized as normal, other deep layers of human normality, nobility and morality would have a chance to surface through their racial cases; and if not, total denial and rejection take place and this infant will be identified or codified as something else, such ADD or ADHD.

Fetal is fatal, as natal anxiety results in naval brutality. Normal means noble, as normality thrives on cruel but fertile morality.

The so-called noble man’s sense would take years, even a lifetime, to upgrade from what is average and normal into what can be worshiped as noble, like an English Noble Man, or a Nobel Prize Winner. In this noble state, all physically based animal senses and emotionally laced organic sensitivities must have been re-captured, re-factorized to the re-fractional fractal portals, where only the best survival fetal sense can make sense of what is really going on inside the gut from what has been wooden-ed from woolly hair, and what can be schooled as cool as a stool would sit with its cruelly clue.

Opposite to Nobel Prize is ancestral price, and opposite to Noble Sense is the primal sense.

To see the ancestral price-tag and zoom into primal sense, only a stoned, bestowed and attuned being can be polished into a statue-like state, so that prime time that is making sense along prime meridian can screen primal sense.

To make a deal with ancestral price-tag, only The So-called Subconscious as real primal sense will be in the virtuous room. To deal with primal sense, only virtuous roomed space can deal with subcontracts that are already teamed before an animal can sense.

The primal sense now makes sense with primitive senses such as plants’ sense, worms’ sense, fish’s sense, fungus’s sense, and blue green algae’s sense, till light senses what love can make sense of each cosmic matter inside every organic being.

Light-year-ahead seems far away; while unconditional love is being wrapped and capped deep inside. Before you can really deal with light-and-love matters, your blood-lined and gene-coded ancestral deeds and memories are much more pervasive and aggressive than anything your can dream and plan. And before you can truly take care of your personal matter, family matters and familiar manners are already there: to display for you, express as yours, and rule your freedom.

All these are so because your spirit was agreed so: agree to enter conception party; by making agreements with parental and ancestral conception anxieties.

Are You Agree?

Conception Anxiety – Part I

On April 22nd, 2009, I woke up as all a normal morning I used to over 46 years, released the fogy misty morning dew (urine), sat by the dining table and had a cup of coffee.  Suddenly, out of no-where, a raw and subtle sensation was nailing through and swirling inside my gut. It was so sudden, deep, strong and overwhelming that my normal sensory reaction told me that “something dangerous was about to happen.”

A desperate moment was calling my all-I-can-do attention. A flash of several people’s images and faces, which were karmic or ancestral, flesh-bonded or soul-wired, and genetically coded inside my gut memory utility, ushered my inner eye, gushed upon my gut-mind, and slashed and splashed into inter-organic feeling. Should I escape or denial, from what, to where and how, never and forever?!

My mind was dizzy, heart racing, gut exploding and body numbing. With all the mighty power exercised and prepared for years, I was able to allow my spiritual mind comb this sensation down at its manageable state, till womb sensation appeared from the comb-wool, calm-down tool to where the crown of my-going-to-be-tomb: the landing skull.

Seeing this my conception party, I am feeling now, the rawest of raw feelings, beyond danger and unknown, above the team of all senses can bear. Father does not know how his sperm would travel. Mother has no clue how the zygote will be formed inside her egg. And incarnating spirit cannot figure out what kind of body, or earthly travelling vehicle, or animistic organism, would be factoried, assigned and granted.

As the three –omb words – comb, womb and tomb – came together and made sense for one another, a distinctive phrase “conception anxiety” was dialing, alarming, farming and distilling inside my mind’s heart.

Now, what? As the septic Celtic cultic reception takes each spirit into the sperm-bulling, egg-yoking womb, senses such as light sense, plus heat sense, inception sense and conception sense would sense how this fetal body would go through in 10 month or 40 weeks long placenta-roomed womb: this birth-declaring and head-descending organic tomb.

Three charges, positive, negative and neutral, garaged and enlarged the one and single zygote, that of zigzag goat-teeth, into a compound, where all the collectable sensations send the nation of a body and kingdom of its mind into an organic sensible facility.

Due to this conception anxiety, your body and its sensory utilities will be downloaded, wired and chipped with all those anxious sub-cellular and super-sonic, mega-hydraulic and para-psychotic phenomenal genotypes. Once they are in function with your sensory and cognitive behaviors, they become visible phenotypes and relatable personality types.

For your entire life, you will be anxious in front of those attractive, exciting, beautiful and amazing human gendered beings. You will be anxious about either saving and investing money or spending and paying money. You will be anxious about taking exams, going for an appointment, visiting a doctor, seeing a policeman, witnessing a dangerous scene, standing in front of crowds, speaking your true feeling and conviction, declaring your needed physical and astral spaces, managing your times, caring for the loved ones, dealing with your hostile environment, standing face-to-face with your enemies, being locked inside your hellish states.

You will be anxious about height or mass, open or congested space, contended or contentious views, luscious or conscious activities, hide-or-flight scenarios, sick or silly atmospheres, aroused or suppressed chemistries, this or that ideas, here and nowhere ordeals.

Oh, my dear, this anxious conception! Oh, my near to the dear, this conception anxiety??? Oh, my ear hearing dear, JUST ANXIOUS!!!

You will be anxious about nothing and everything!!!!

Are You Free From Your Egg-shell?

Many bird clans, like chicken and duck,  are born out of egg-shells; while mammals, like human and horse, are born out of placentas.  In that sense, birds’ egg-shells are crispy placentas, while mammals’ placentas are meaty shells.

As you know,  chicks or newborn baby birds would use their bills to cash them out of their own egg-shell-houses, while for us human fetus, someone has to cut umbilical cord in order to separate our body from our organic meaty shell called placenta.

In that sense, a bird’s egg is already ready in the process of being conceived or hatched, with no other ritual preparation needed; while a human egg must open a part-hole around its watery skin for the head of a sperm to head in, merge and become one with egg as scientists called zygote. After the sperm materializes as the skull and spine, while egg the rest of body.

Before a bird goes through its hatchling, nestling, and fledgling process as real chick or infant bird,  its bill that has grown along its body inside the shell becomes matured and stronger enough to serve as the tip of a knife or the head of a nail to piece a hole through its shell-like-wall so as to declare its self independent birthing process.  We call this bill-pocked-shell in us a placenta:  either the meaty house inside our mom’s belly during our gestation period, or 紫河车 zi he che or purple river wagon as Chinese names it.

Contrary to chick’s bill power, we are helpless in our birthing process. We can’t do what a chick would!  Our mouth doesn’t have a sharp bill, only two pieces of jawbone to grow 32 teeth years after birth. Somebody outside our womb has to cut the umbilical off. This is the final step of our uselessness as an organism among homo sapiens.

Afterward, we cannot fly physically, anyway, anyhow, anywhere!

To know the truth, upon age of 43, through a lucid dream, I was able to know why and how I was conceived into this body, through this parental union, for this bloodline and its last name, upon this very divine and unchangeable conception.  It was through this lucid dreaming state of retrospection, recall or revisit that made me know that:

The shell of a bird’s egg-shell-wall resembles initially in human that parental love-making posture. When this posture dried up and faded away, there is that invisible egg-shell-wall wrapping inside our unconscious realm, causing us to search for a mate who is free from this egg-shelled wall, so we can achieve freedom.  Further, this momentarily finalized posture defines overall: our physical posture, how we engage union with the loved one down the road, and personality outlook.

Through this lucid dream, what happened to my conception became as clear as an open book, a specific scene of a movie production. I saw everything to which how I was conceived, or in another word, how my body was factorized; meaning, how my father’s sperm and his physical pose merged and united as one with my mother’s pose and one of her eggs on the Right Fallopian Tube.

It was upon this moment, I am free physically and sexually from my own very egg shelled and fossilized wall.  In this moment of awakened understanding, I was able to let-go of this my conception posture, and in turn, I am physically free as a male gender, and sexually free from the byproduct of my parental union.  Upon this freedom, I realized that this my parental egg-hatching process equals to nothing, but a hidden eggshell.

Before, this byproduct has been for many years my longing for the divine femininity, and how I would equally and eagerly be ready to free myself from physical and emotional and psychological urge and need for the opposite physical gender.

Have you recalled your conception party, conception process and conceived eggshell?

Have you seen the very nature your energetic and organic eggshell?

Are you able to poke like a chick’s bill your own restrained and egg-shelled womb upon your birthing moment?

Are you ready to be totally free, as a chick eagle ready to fly???!!!

Who I Am is Merely an Anatological ….

What is life is an anatological approach to the anatomical body we are being programmed with and born from.

Anatomical body is collective, ancestral, and individual.  Why?

First, collective here means we all share the same basic building-blocks and functionality with exact same number of body parts and their related sensory wires. Anatomically, we are genetically and collectively built with 15 sections: three main cavities and their four limbs as extension; as each limb has three sections, such as upper arm, frontal arm and hand; or thigh, shin and foot. Rarely a human being would be born with one arm, or one leg, or lesser than exact 15 main sections.  And very few, a person is born blind, deaf, dumb, and somewhat retarded physical sensitivity and cognitive ability.

Secondly, upon this collective virtuous blueprinting, these 15 venture capitals, our body is structured, compartmentalized, decorated, and owned specifically by certain ancestral infrastructures. This is why we look like our parents in various areas.  This why we move about with a certain poses and postures resembling a specific parent, grandparent, or great grandparent.  This is why we behave in a certainty, built-in modes and codes, genetically programmed and blessed by any of our three generational ancestral whereabouts and their beliefs.

This is why in Chinese culture, as a child or youngster, people don’t care about who you are as an individual, but will know who you are based up what you are made with ancestral infrastructures and generational patterns, and where you were born with genetically and geographically. Your body and mind are a collection of homemade food and customs, house-wired specific appetite and habitual desires, family-tombed needs of why and how, and ancestral spirited deeds of know-how and reason-why.

Deep inside collective blueprint and beneath ancestral infrastructures are who we are as an individual, irreplaceable spirit. This our spirit can’t be any other spirits, will never be some other beings in this lifetime.

This above is what I can fathom about my, and our human body, individual in undying root and deathless core, ancestral in infrastructural phenotypes, and collective in human geneotype. This is why our anatomical body is a mixture of psycho-type in spirit or living soul, pheno-types in ancestral make-believes, and geno-type in homo sapiens.

This above definition or speculation is nothing but an anatological approach, an anatological view, and an anatological perception.

In order to understand, define and make use of this specific granted organism our spirit was agreed to be house-in since conception,  dress-up during entire gestation, and wear with from conception to life, life to death, and death to atonement or reincarnation, we must voice through gut and throat, make use of body languages through body parts and their interaction, invent symbols and tools such as linguistic letters and mathematical numbers, visual chips and musical notes.

By giving linguistic and numerical meanings and values. anatomy is alive personally and culturally through anatology, as anatology is magically meaningful to this individual anatomy and collective entity.

Therefore, aatological approach is verbal and linguistic; as anatological view is logical and reasonable; while anatological perception is conscious and conscientious. It is like: we approach through our innate spirit; we view through organic sensors and linguistic tools; and we receive, perceive and conceive through conscious awareness and conscientious presence.

It is upon anatomical hardware and through anatological software, we are perceptive or reflective, visionary and realistic, reasonable and irrational, meaningful and useful, idealistic and practical, this and that, here and there, where and how, who and what, when and why.

We are a mixture of heavenly light and wind, and earthly soil and water;

we are a tincture of anatomical organism and anatological ideas and beliefs;

we are a creature of innate inertia of organic patterning and gravitational forces from conscious ability to conscientious capacity;

we are a moisture of water molecules and air particles, a puncture of nothing and everything, a juncture of being and becoming, a texture of good and evil.

We are the architecture of energy and minerals; the culture of season and reason; furniture for family and society; feature of pictures and literatures; future of predictable fixture; posture of pathological pastures; lecture of given nature.

What Are My Bodily Components

From lucid dream to conscious stream, loving cream or scaring scream, there is something inside the body that orchestrates, regulates, urinates and alternates. This something serves as the conscious and energetic software that are either built-in since the conception took place; or learned from lifelong lessons, earned by good deeds before an exchange took them over, a greedy took them under.

To build this soft-waring and hard-wiring processors, what can be ceded before giving it up totally, surrendering completely,  or it is too late of a cession,  a session of serious decisions circulates or flow as procedures proceed what can be turned off internally, or been shut done externally.

As such, who made up the overall bodily structure? Who intersected the infrastructures made? Who can interpret and interfere those hardwired wares and soft-worn wears.

Dear Dad: what have you done to my body with your essence? am I in You, after You, through You? Can I live without YOU, believe beyond YOU? Is your essence my real potency or true impotency?

Dear Mother: what did you fabricate my body with your digested fruity or foody nutrients, tinctured my stream and its flow with your blood and its veins, strengthened my bones with your willful marrow, delicately decorated my glands with your organs, and designated my pigments with your passionate fire.

Further,  what were your experiences, day after day, sensation after sensation,  desire after dream, on how my womb was pressed and suppressed, compressed and depressed?

Dear Ancestors: why are my bodily components exactly framed, structured and numbered like yours, and yet each, is vastly, minutely and uniquely different?

Dear earth mother: how many specific minerals contained in my this dirt-like body?

Dear Sky father: who design mine and everybody’s body with exact copy, similar functionality,  but different potenalities?

Dear All: I want to know my body, see how it operates, and why it does so?

As I touch my head, rub my chest, tap my belly, there are neck and belly button that connect these three.

Then as I sit up, feet ground and lift me. As I walk, two  legs move forth and back, alternating. Equally speaking, my shoulders and its two arms swing, oppositely paralleling to what two feet and their legs strike and retrieve.

Even so, my fingers touch my hair and facial holes, such as eyelids, nostrils, or lips, even tongue and teeth. And down, any other parts, till they touch and rub one another, causing entire body to move as a team, function as a group, and coordinate as a family.